Employee Relations 101

Frequently, people ask us how we manage to keep good long-term employees here at Utley Brothers. Well, it’s really very simple; we NEVER allow them to get the upper hand.

Since we are no longer allowed to whip them (except for Donna in our Automotive Department), we’ve had to really get tough. We have what we call our NEVER POLICY that each employee must memorize his or her first day on the job. Here it is:

1. Never say you can’t, because we'll just make you do it anyway.
2. Never say, “It’s easy”, because we’ll just make it harder.
3. Never say, “I want to leave early”, because you’ll be put on overtime.
4. Never fall behind, because we’ll just double your workload.
5. Never complain, because we’ll never listen.
6. Never argue, because you’ll never win.
7. Never scream or cry, because it only encourages us.
8. Never look like your enjoying your job, because we’ll transfer you to a worse job.
9. Never get sick and die on the job, because we’ll have to fill out a lot of paperwork.
10. Never lie or cheat, because we know the truth and you’ll live to regret it.

OK, so try this with your employees and let us know how it goes.

Yes, I Am Smarter Than A Fifth Grader!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my fifth grade teacher once told me that I was very smart. I have clung tenaciously to that fallacious assessment ever since. Even though I carry this heavy burden of lofty intellect, I have never doubted for one moment that my wife is much smarter than I am. She has graciously tried to keep it hidden from me all these years to protect my fragile (pronounced fra-gee-lay) ego.

While growing up, our three sons all thought they were smarter than me and spent most of their waking hours trying to prove it. Even my beloved dog, Jake, constantly tries to outsmart me.

Now, I have a car that thinks it’s smarter than me and that’s where I draw the line. When all the papers were signed and after I had forked over more money than my house is probably worth, the friendly Cadillac salesman handed me the keys to the pimped-out STS.

As we walked out to tour my new black beauty, I whipped out the key fob to unlock it. “You won’t need that. The car knows you’re here”; he said. “Oh, really?”. “Yes, the car knows when you’re within a hundred feet of it”; he said, with a slight tone of superiority in his voice. Uh-oh! Ego alert! I was already feeling challenged.

“In fact, if you want it to start BEFORE you get in, just push that center button on the fob and it will warm up for you”. Well, golly shucks, what will they think of next? Sure enough when I pulled gently on the handle the door opened. The steering wheel and the driver’s seat began a series of odd gyrations anticipating my entry. When I got in and shut the door, the seat moved forward and the steering wheel lowered to greet me.

Again, I produced the key fob to start the car. Again, I was told I wouldn’t need that. “Just touch your foot to the brake and touch that green button on the dash to start the car”; I was told. I pushed the green button and a myriad of green, red, white, and orange lights began flashing in front of me. Way cool! Just like the Space Shuttle!

“JOHN” appeared on the screen in front of me. Now, wait a minute! How did the car know it was ME in the driver’s seat? Almost immediately, Mel Torme (the velvet fog) began to croon from 28 different places in the car. The center screen told me I was tuned into Frank’s Place on XM Radio. How did the car know that was my favorite kind of music?

I was feeling very threatened. What had I gotten myself into? The last straw came one cold winter morning when got in and started the car. “18 DEGREES – ICE POSSIBLE” flashed across the screen in front of me. Ice possible? Gee, ya think? At only 18 degrees? Well, I guess I no longer need to know anything. I’ll just ask the damn car the next time something befuddles me.

OK, so my car is smarter than me. Maybe I’m being too harsh on it. After all, it has a fabulous ride, the seats are so comfortable, the sound system is divine, the engine is so smooth and powerful, and it looks so good parked in my driveway. But, best of all, if I’m a long way from home and I’m craving a Starbuck’s Blended Frappuccino Mocha Latte Grande Supremo Gimungo, all I gotta do is ask some guy up there in a satellite where I should go.

Now, after wading through all that horse pucky, wouldn’t you like to tell me where to go?

Hey, a special thanks to my old college pal Homo Florensiensis for letting me use his photo. Way to go, Homo!

Good Drivin’ Gone Bad

I’ve only been the recipient of road rage once in my life. That was fifteen years ago one morning on my way to work. It was about 5:30 a.m. and there was almost no one on the road except one certifiable nut case and myself.

I was headed southbound on a four-lane road doing just slightly over the speed limit when I noticed a vehicle coming up very quickly behind me. If this had occurred on the expressway I would have pulled over into the right lane to let him pass. But, this was a full access road and the right lane was wide open for him to get around me. At the last moment he swerved into the right lane almost clipping my rear fender then swerved back into the left lane in front of me and stood on his brakes.

In turn, I had to slam on my brakes and swerve into the right lane to avoid running into him. I brought my car to a complete stop and just sat there until he was long gone. If I had reacted in any other way the situation probably would have digressed into something much worse. To say the least, I was quite shaken by this bizarre incident.

A psychologist friend of mine once told me; “Never argue with a crazy person, they will always win, …..even if it kills you”. I’ve never considered asphalt real estate something worth fighting over. In fact, if someone in traffic really wants to occupy the space that I’m using, I will try my best to help him (or her) out.

Rudeness in traffic is something that we see everyday and we’ve become used to it. We even expect it. Almost everyday I see something occur in traffic that’s causes me to think; “Now I’ve seen everything”. Then the next day something tops that. Most of the time it’s just a case of poor judgment or lack of common sense.

Over the last fifteen years I’ve replayed that road rage scenario in my mind many times. I would like to know what I did that may have triggered such dangerous behavior in this person. It very likely had nothing to do with me at all. It may have been someone that was very angry at the world and just needed to vent his frustration on the first person he saw.

Since that incident, I try to be mindful of the fact that there are truly unstable people using the same roads as me. Some of them carry guns and would be happy to prove their point, whatever that might be.

I’d like to extend a special thanks to Officer Taylor of the RPD for demonstrating what it’s like to be pulled over and arrested. Oh, and thanks for skipping the demonstration of baton therapy.